Barbidoesmiami

How to Stay Sane in the City of No Shame


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Trysting…

Forgive my absence.

So sorry that I did not blog for almost three months and then do this weird  search-word driven thing which most people (especially my mother who thought I’d gone bonkers) did not get. Writing kinky helped the stats however,  as in “how to drive more readers to my blog.” So bear with me when I pepper the blog with dirty words and obscure celebrity combinations. I’ll forewarn with the * icon . Example: * bums, big tits, Charlie Sheen.

BTW my most popular search-words are: sexy long legs, models. So I found an old Razzmatazz ad/video of me in Australia, befitting this search word:  link here, then click 1979 button down.

I just came back from a tryst. (Tryst – An agreement between lovers, illicit or not, to meet , for sex, in a certain time and place). Actually we did not meet at the certain place, Key West, we drove together along the ugliest corridor that connects all the Keys, the randomness of  place, demographic and function (fishing, dolphinariums, shooting alleys and gun shops, strip bars, motor boat retail, cheap motels and trailer parks, etc.) creating a disastrous effect, a visual assault that left me nauseous until we passed Deer Key and the sea turned light turquoise and  spotted with every size island from potted plant to small land mass.

hard to capture at 50 mph

Husband and I had not been in a confined space, ie car, together in a long time, so  mind-trysting started before we hit Key West. The only place fit for romance if you live in Miami and want to get away like a * gay-escape.

Destination was a secret so I visualized  the Hemingway House combined with renovated cute gay Inns as seen online. (Apparently there are straight-friendly and not straight-friendly cute gay inns in KW).

But.

We went to a resort. Upon arrival my mind did a U-turn. It was modern; Travel and Leisure worthy, with swimming pool, beach, 200 rooms, and I liked that this is was what husband had in mind for us, *  like  Brad and Angelina on vacation.

Idyllic? Yes. But see those two beach balls?

They have “Advanced Auto Parts Convention” printed on them.

Advanced Auto Parts is a link you do NOT press. AAP was trysting too. Like a * Advanced Auto Parts orgy.

We arrived at 2 but check- in time was 4pm. OK. So when we finally get to our Casa Marina room at 4 and walk onto the “balcony”  the nerdy  bag boy follows us and says: “Best leave the room  from 6 to 11, it will be noisy huh huh.”  He snickers like  * Mark Zuckerberg.  Right below us is a stage with Easter Island sized speakers for that night’s AAP concert . Woohoo, we had front row seats. OK. And what time is  check-out?

“11 am.”  (Shit! that works out to $40.00 an hour spent unconscious, eyes shut, as in sleeping.)

Still, when on a tryst everything is “fun”, its so not hot to complain during check-in; “Excuse me, my husband and I were planning on coming home and having sex around 10 pm,  but with that band…. would you have another room for us? Like facing the highway or the garbage collection area?”

I don’t think so. Denial is preferred when on a tryst, avoiding every opportunity for disappointment which will inevitably lead to a fight.

So,  a 3rd rate rock band under our window? Who cares, we’ll just pretend its * Gwyneth Paltrow!

We rented bikes. Rode around with 10.000 other tourists, for some reason mostly Danish. At 3.55pm we leashed our bikes together  at the clumsily laid-out Casa Marina bike racks, once you were in you couldn’t get out, which irked my  Dutchness, but I kept quiet.

We went to our room. After all it was between 4 and 6. Then back on the bikes. Dinner at Seven Fish.

Back at  our room by 9.30. Too early. See below for  video .

The next morning we biked to Hemingway’s House because that’s what you do when in Key West. Along with 100 grey haired ladies.

Writing loft roof top and pool Pauline put in to keep H from straying to Martha Gelhorn's pool

H's luminescent ghost over the writing desk

pappa's potty in the mirror

Hemingway through the years

Any cellulite? Front row fashion show worthy thighs?

Then we drove back, stopped for lunch at Pierre’s (* a place that makes me think of  Carolyn Bessette and how, depressed,  she never left her cottage when on a tryst with model boy friend Michael Bergin because she was already madly in love with JK).

Flagler Railroad to KW built early 20th century, now a defunct sculpture alongside the highway

PS I love Coca Cola going green and adore their new cute aluminum bottles and  this truck:


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not for the faint hearted… more searches… more freaks…

 

I’m thinking Barbidoesmiami by subscription only… todays searches included:

  • Mom changes her skirt after wetting herself (WTF?)
  • Selling tutu at world trade center
  • Huge tits blog (moi?)
  • Indian car sun control film fixing

My contribution to the ether today:

  • perverts and freaks – piss off!
  • get a life, stop Googling gibberish
  • get your hands out of your pants
  • Miley Cyrus, Glen Beck, Lady Gaga, Jennifer Lopez, Sheen family, etc. are not here

 

 


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ner jippie t-shirt me

Today’s funniest searches that lead to my blog:
  • you can’t pray away the gay (huh? Barbi in Miami?)
  • young brunette back job
  • tiesto is bachelor?
  • pictures of ringo starr swimming (ew!)
  • trippy pinata

My contribution to the search engines for today:

  • Gigantic  diet  addiction Carla Bruni
  • Acid Angelina twins in topless bar
  • Gay spouse shocker custody

I’m coasting on writing entries inspired by these, making them real somehow… hey and subscribe to my blog … I need more faithful followers and less whackos and perverts!


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search and thou shall find…..

Today’s top  searches that lead to my blog (heartening!):

  • cathy church black and white barracudas
  • wife bathroom thong
  • two and a half men
  • large tits
  • hair flying out the car window

My tag words for the day, manipulating stats?

  • palin penetration curved rubber
  • birther biting cock fight
  • huckabee sheen fakes it


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Stattered…

go figure

OK. So. I did not write for three months.

In blog terms I fucked up. Still, daily traffic to my blog increased in my absence.

WTF you may say. Or ask.

Well,  my stats tell me that I come up really high under the following searches; “bubble bath, long legs girl, so short shorts, nudist wtf, she loves to lift her skirt (seriously), donuts lingerie (!)” etc. This generally gets the pervs  to my Helmut Newton blog, most popular, where they spent about a nano second and move on. My other blog that is paradoxically popular is “totototototo” which I wrote drunk and is clearly Googled by toddlers on their mom’s computer while she’s in the lav.

So much for stats. I’m stat-disillusioned. In fact I’m stattered. Totally and utterly. I mean if I just write: Short long French legs, cranky knickers, hotties in swamp,  toe sucking Chihuahuas (i’m getting into this), nudist camp for nuns, Lincoln Road naked three-some, I’m gonna get more traffic than if I tell you all the mundane reasons (in my most wittiest way) why I could not blog for 78 days…

Just three pervy words per day, stats go up, and I may get a book deal.

Ding!

The fog lifts. Now it all makes sense. The Palins, Bachmans and Becks. Huff Post sold for 350 million to AOL (now will they pay their writers, like retroactively?) Penelope Trunk. Write outrageous, borderline shit about anything, incite, expose, hate, all the deadly sins at once, compose headlines that make the Publix check-out mags feel like re-hab, and you’re the next guest on Piers. BTW, I blink and there he is, like he’s been Larry King all along and  an authority on everything and not just lack of talent.  And what’s with this Anglo invasion of making Americans feel like shit? Fat – Jamie, Stupid – Hitchins and now Piers for inferiority. Give me Anderson Cooper anytime, naked. (last word just for stats, sorry).

Still, outrageous words worked for the Middle East. Outrageous there were words like “freedom” and “no more Mubarak”, ” peaceful revolution” and “power to the people”. Words I prefer. Words that won’t send traffic to my blog.

So.

To wrap this one up:

  • Anorexic pink velvety ear lobes
  • hidden stoned fetish hot tub
  • secrets tied to bedpost.

and watch them soar…

Oh and BTW, I was in a group show at gallery Diet in Miami’s Wynwood. Voyage on Uncanny Seas curated by Mark Dion.

And here’s one dirty picture of me:

showing fleshy naked shoulders

showing fleshy naked shoulders

and 30 pieces of beach-plastic earrings for pussies.