OK. So. I did not write for three months.

In blog terms I fucked up. Still, daily traffic to my blog increased in my absence.

WTF you may say. Or ask.

Well,  my stats tell me that I come up really high under the following searches; “bubble bath, long legs girl, so short shorts, nudist wtf, she loves to lift her skirt (seriously), donuts lingerie (!)” etc. This generally gets the pervs  to my Helmut Newton blog, most popular, where they spent about a nano second and move on. My other blog that is paradoxically popular is “totototototo” which I wrote drunk and is clearly Googled by toddlers on their mom’s computer while she’s in the lav.

So much for stats. I’m stat-disillusioned. In fact I’m stattered. Totally and utterly. I mean if I just write: Short long French legs, cranky knickers, hotties in swamp,  toe sucking Chihuahuas (i’m getting into this), nudist camp for nuns, Lincoln Road naked three-some, I’m gonna get more traffic than if I tell you all the mundane reasons (in my most wittiest way) why I could not blog for 78 days…

Just three pervy words per day, stats go up, and I may get a book deal.

Ding!

The fog lifts. Now it all makes sense. The Palins, Bachmans and Becks. Huff Post sold for 350 million to AOL (now will they pay their writers, like retroactively?) Penelope Trunk. Write outrageous, borderline shit about anything, incite, expose, hate, all the deadly sins at once, compose headlines that make the Publix check-out mags feel like re-hab, and you’re the next guest on Piers. BTW, I blink and there he is, like he’s been Larry King all along and  an authority on everything and not just lack of talent.  And what’s with this Anglo invasion of making Americans feel like shit? Fat – Jamie, Stupid – Hitchins and now Piers for inferiority. Give me Anderson Cooper anytime, naked. (last word just for stats, sorry).

Still, outrageous words worked for the Middle East. Outrageous there were words like “freedom” and “no more Mubarak”, ” peaceful revolution” and “power to the people”. Words I prefer. Words that won’t send traffic to my blog.

So.

To wrap this one up:

• Anorexic pink velvety ear lobes
• hidden stoned fetish hot tub
• secrets tied to bedpost.

and watch them soar…

Oh and BTW, I was in a group show at gallery Diet in Miami’s Wynwood. Voyage on Uncanny Seas curated by Mark Dion.

And here’s one dirty picture of me:

and 30 pieces of beach-plastic earrings for pussies.