Barbi Does Miami

mostly from my oxymoronic years between Miami and Milford

Author Archives: barbidoesmiami


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straight parking

mom, there’s a note under your wiper.
really?
it says “learn to park faggot”
whats a faggot?
it’s a bad word for a gay person, sweetie
don’t gay people know how to park ?
yes they do, they’re actually very good at parking
why do they think you are gay?
good question. why would anyone think that a hunter green yukon with pennsylvania plates was gay? soccer mom yes. suburban family yes. plumber, contractor, painter, mechanic, yes. but gay? Don’t gay men drive prius, (or is it prii) or antique mercedes, or audis?

so? anyone?  is vero beach homophobic?

fyi, in case you may think i’m a dizzy parker, the lines in that macho holiday inn parking lot have been painted three times over the years and each time the painter gaily moved the lines a few feet, so each parking space fits nothing wider than a mountain bike, a nightmare for anyone who is analy parking impaired, gay or not, which is just not me. i parked my car, oblivious after 400 miles, next to the last car in line, leaving a polite space for luggage etc and moved on. in daylight there was my yukon, all alone on the black tarmac, with two white lines between the wheels and and a third right under the left set of tires, looking all together much too straight, square and in line.

miami I’m ready…


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pear shaped

savannaaah

savannaaah

its like duh moment:
i’m more pear shaped now than when I left PA. i can feel it. all that crap food went straight into my butt and my thighs as i drove and drove. it never got digested it just went to the lowest gravity point in my driving seat. and now i understand. if i drive, eat at available restaurants across america and finish what they put in front of me then i too end up 250 pounds, pear shaped with a heart condition.
favorite billboard today:
an enormous automatic weapon, cut out, and a man in army fatigues shooting something similar in the corner and large red letters that said:
” relieve yourself, exit 37″. exit 37 was called College Avenue. naturally.
most uncomfortable moment:
heavy rainstorm just after st augustine. I had my car pimped, detailed, waxed last week because i thought i might trade it in for something less carpool mum, four wheel drive, less ozone impacting and more like road candy, milf does miami, kinda convertible vehicle so the guy, crosseyed as a gekko, who waxed the body must have waxed the windows as well and all that rain kinda bubbled to the wax creating a frosted windshield effect and making me aware of rain and road and trucks and me in my car with my kids  in a manner that was so not cool.
funnest moment:
singing with clapton and the girls, leilaaaaaa at the top of our voice, rockin it into the vero beach zone.


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candy before breakfast

mango, avocado, crab salad, lobster tail, broccoli and two mojitos cured my acid reflux from lunch at south of the border where the salmonella salad sat next to the tuna salad. The twins said they were definitely still homesick as they eyed our ancient toothless waitress who wore her over washed south of the border tunic off the shoulder revealing too much fleshy chest. savannah phew. civilization, cobbled streets, steamy heat, trees with long grey beards, squares that compete with London, friendly people who speak in gentle southern tongues. The twins were converted by the “largest candy store in the world” which took the home out of homesickness, telling me they felt sick just before they fell asleep. a vast improvement. now if only i can find a candy store just like it in miami. i will try. feverishly. vero beach later today for the first sand between our toes.


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holiday inn petersburg

party polaroid pix by mikey

party polaroid pix by mikey

in a holiday inn suite with two surprisingly comfy queen size beds, twins fell asleep to their mantra of being homesick. we did washington yesterday afternoon, it was supposed to be a whirlwind visit but thanks to mapquest who got the geography of washington, nw, sw, se, ne, etc totally screwed up I’m pretty sure we saw ALL of das capitol. road signs to manassas and dumfries which Iona quickly turned to dumassas and manfries helped me stay alert. food on the road is a huge problem. bigger than universal healthcare. in fact if food on the road were only slightly better we may not need universal healthcare. i will send an open letter about this to obama, who we did not meet on our visit, which was a good thing since michelle was bound to spot the large grease stain on my new donna karan skirt (which she would admire) caused by the breakfast sandwich i purchased, and chucked out the window. savannah tonight with the possibility of a green salad.


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leaving with luxury intent

amber and her snake wall, bye amber be good

amber and her snake wall, bye amber be good

car packed. girls in it, too sleepy for tears. alastair and iain in the driveway waving blowing kisses. outta here and ready for miami via washington savannah and vero beach


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the day before we leave

beautiful last day at home

beautiful last day at home

my studio in hibernation

my studio in hibernation

why am i leaving here? the most beautiful home, the most fabulous friends, the best bakery, the best school, close to NYC. so why?
is it a stupid idea? am i fucking with a good thing? a great thing? panic grabs me every morning before everyone wakes. the twins feel as i do. freaked out. mommy they say, miami is too grown up for us. like it is r rated and they should not really be allowed in. they have a point of course. they always do. iona wants r rated. iona, age 13 craves r rated. alastair, age 56, also craves r rated for pretty much the same reasons iona does: action, attention, parties, nubile topless bodies, sun, sand, and the unexpected. neither is much interested in packin up and gettin ready. they just want to be there already. as a result i’m packin and gettin ready. all before the party later today. the party that will be a good party not a good-bye party…